Planning For Disaster

Dragon Fly on a Stick

I’ve lived the better part of my life knowing then I had a serious genetic kidney disease.  My mother had the disease, my younger brother has the disease and I have the disease.  I’ve taken rather good care of my health and for the most part eat a better than average diet and lived a cleaner than average lifestyle to maintain my health.  Fingers crossed!

Having held a ringside seat to watch renal failure, diabetes, dialysis and kidney transplants have their way with family members leaves one hell of a mental mark.  There is constantly a clock ticking in my head.  I’ve always measure my own health and well being partly against how old mother was when her kidneys failed and put her on the transplant list.  I am now the same age.  Tick, tick, tick.

The last few years following up to this age have weighed heavily on my mind and heart as I was not satisfied with the state of my affairs both personal and financial.  I finally called an end to a long-term relationship that wasn’t working out.  It cost me dearly spiritually, mentally and financially and I’m now just getting back on track.  I have a five year plan to have all of my affairs in order and hope that my kidneys will do me the fine favor of continuing to do their job and hold out just a skosh longer.

So why now, after all these years do I make the change?  Along the way, I grew a pair at about the same time that I came to the realization that the only person who was going to make me feel safe and secure war was myself.  I was terrified everey single day of my life.  My future was uncertain and I couldn’t afford to get sick, hurt or take any time off from work.  I had gotten to a point where I had been financially supporting the very person who was supposed to be taking care of me.  It.  Was.  Ugly.  Thank God my mother isn’t alive to have seen it but I had allowed myself to be exploited.  It is embarrassing.  The funsucker was invited out of my life and it seems that my choices have caused quite a little uproar amongst the family and  many friends.  I honestly still don’t know why they aren’t more concerned about my well being more so than a grown man’s tantrum because his gravy train has ended.  Anywho, they’re going to have to work that out themselves. I’m done taking care of anybody but me.

You’re not brave if you’re not scared.  Well, I scared myself shitless and changed my life dramatically.  I don’t know what I was so scared of.  I mean, if I could support two people than why would it be so hard for me just to support myself? It has to be waaay easier than dragging around the boat anchor I was toting.

Frankly, in the last few months I’ve never slept better in my life.  This should’ve been done years ago. 

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